From Flop to Flow
I never thought I’d truly “get” yoga. For years I rolled out my mat, tried a flow and immediately felt like a fish out of water, gasping for breath and panicking wildly. My brain? Chaos. My body? Struggling. My temper? Shot. And my thoughts? Like wild firecrackers. And don’t even get me started on the “feel your breath” thing, placing my palm on my stomach and feeling it rise and fall with each breath would make me so irrationally angry I’d see red, something I can laugh about now.
After each attempt I’d angrily jab at my phone, scouring Reddit for other people who felt similarly to me, only being met with the answer that it’s completely normal in the beginning to feel really intense emotion including anger. I’d scoff, swipe away Safari and go about with my day silently stewing.
The Struggle
As you can see the early attempts were incredibly rough. Most of the time I was irritated at myself for not being able to hold a pose or get into another one easily, hating the sound of my own breathing, and losing my temper at how quickly the instructor was moving between poses. I’d walk off the mat fuming, feeling worse than when I’d first stepped onto it. But what I didn’t realise is that it was actually doing exactly what it’s meant to just like the users of Reddit suggested: It was moving and dislodging stuck emotion out of my body. I just didn’t stick with it long enough to see the other side, and so the cycle would repeat every time I’d try again. The only way out was through…
The Breakthrough
Around this time last year I subscribed to Apple Fitness+ and decided to try yoga again. So I chose a slow flow session with Jonelle (an instructor I am truly thankful for), stepped back on my mat and about mid-way through something in me cracked open like Pandora’s Box and spilled out all over my mat. I found myself sobbing, struggling to see what I was doing, snot and tears running down my face but instead of packing it up, I continued and finished it out with Jonelle in my ear thanking me for joining her and closing out the session. I spent the rest of the day feeling wiped, melancholic, and heavy emotionally but my first thought wasn’t “I never want to do this again” it was “I’m looking forward to next session.” I had finally started to allow myself the time and space to offload and shed everything I’ve ever held onto. I was ready to face it and let go.
Current Flow
It’s been nearly a year now since that breakthrough yoga flow and I have done many more since. Now, I “get” yoga and practicing has become something I genuinely look forward to and truly enjoy, big emotions and all. I can spend a session vibing with the music, laughing at myself and along with the instructor, rolling out deep stretches that feel good, and finish with a big, sweaty smile. Breathing is my superpower now, something I never thought I’d say.
I have found peace on my mat.